My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
