are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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