I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
