we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
