I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
