I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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