Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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