thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
