I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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