i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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