He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
