my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
