Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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