My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
