Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
