is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
