im so drunk with asians
where?
always
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
