Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
And then he peed in my hair
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