You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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