Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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