it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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