drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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