Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
