when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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