I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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