Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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