Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
