just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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