I hate your face
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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