Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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