Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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