You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
