Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
