so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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