College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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