My Higher Power is John Stamos
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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