I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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