I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
