she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
