nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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