i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
