so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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