oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
