A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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