there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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