too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
