Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
