Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
