Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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