Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I FOUND THE LEGS
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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