Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
