I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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